Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Bite Me

Do you think vampires like to be bitten? For foreplay maybe? 
Now that I think about it do you think vampires get mosquito bites? 
No, THINK about it. Really think about it. 
They fill up with the blood they sucked out of you, why wouldn't blood loving insects suck on them? Right?
Sounds absolutely reasonable. 

Back to reality...
It's monsoon/haboob season right now. So it gets a little stuffy from time to time. Stuffy would be an understatement but it sounds like we are all teddy bears so I'll leave it. 
Take last night for instance. It was severely muggy. As damp as it can get, raining at a refreshingly cool 90+ degrees. Yes, you can almost feel it as I  describe the devils moist asshole in which I live. 
I needed to move my couch from one room to another, so it being a Sunday and I had shit to do, it seemed very practical. 
There I was, in a t-shirt, sweat shorts, hair up in a nest, pushing my couch on my hardwood floor. It was easy gliding that sleeper from the front room to my bedroom. 
That's when it got stuck. 
I could move it no more. I tried picking it up, to no avail. It was way too heavy for my one-man army. 
It was going no where.
I only needed 2 more inches. Of course my bed had to be in the way. The bed was going no where. I couldn't believe my shitty luck. 
I pushed, shoved, pulled, tried to convince my bed to get the fuck out the way, lifted, hit, screamed at that poor couch. There was no fucking way I was going to get that sleeper into the extra room. Not without help anyway. 
At that point I was sweating profusely AND I had zero beer in the house. I felt a ton of tears ready to fall fit of rage coming on. 
I called a friend to help me. When he didn't answer his phone I went outside to let the heavy air cling to me. I sat in defeat. 
I am a single lady, I can do anything!  That's what I told myself before I took another look at the cushion-less couch laying in the middle of my bedroom floor, on it's back. 
My muscles were trying to tell me something, but I wasn't listening to it's outlandish stories. 
With all of my might I lifted that bad boy on its side, where it fit without taking out my bed leg, but just barely. 
There was no getting it down from it's side. So I left it as was and went to go get tacos. 
It rained and rained as I drove to the neighborhood taqueria. 
I was extremely pissed that I had NOT gotten rain boots the night before at the local Walmart. Puddles of dirty water would just have all the fun without me. 
"Me das tres tacos de cabeza, sin cebolla y cilantro" I hurridly yelled into the tiny mic box that was the drive thru of the fine establishment. As I drove through I noticed small red bumps on my arm, that itched. Really itched, like a bad yeast infection itchy.
Son-of-a-bitch. The mosquito's fucking got me. 
I got home, grubbed and noticed 5 more alarming red bumps that itched, along my legs. 
I got up from my now empty front room and put a search party out for the pesky mosquitoes. After 10 minutes, the search party was over. Mosquitoes were no where to be found. 
I went to bed trying not to scratch my skin off, after I wrote my will just in case some sort of sick disease stuck me from the bites and I didn't wake up in the morning. 

4:45 a.m.
I wake up slapping at my skin. 
FUCK, he's back. The mosquito. Atrocious little bugger. 
Search party resumed, and ended just as quickly as it started; fruitlessly. 
All in all I sat in bed counting all of the red bumps I had collected throughout the night for a total count of 24. Bastards.
I literally looked like I rolled in bed all week with bed bugs. Which is NOT the case.  
I pulled out my large citronella candle, lit it indoors because at this point I had enough of their nonsense, sat it right next to my bed and slept. 
I read some blogs/articles/bullshit remedies and decided that none of these "treatments" worked for me.
So I decided to write my own. 
How to be rid of mosquito bite itching
What you'll need:
A pen, Exacto knife, napkin or tissues, and lots of heart.
Step 1: Take the pen and circle all of the pesky bites
Step 2: Take the (disinfected) exacto knife and carefully slice open all of the circles
Step 3: Take the tissue and wipe off all the blood
Step 4: Clean wounds 
Step 5: Reach deep in your heart, smile, and go on about your day. 
All of the other fixes online were bullshit. 

You are very welcome. 
I did not need to cut myself open because of my citronella candle that helped. Thank God, that would have been so messy and I don't think the people at work would have appreciated me going into work looking like I had ran through a rosebush forest.

I went to work smelling like a citronella candle. 
It's going to be a lovely week. 

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