Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Home protection

As a single lady, living alone can be quite an adventure. If I say so myself.
Sure walking around naked is a plus, until some transient passes by and decides to watch the show. 
Especially when you live in a neighborhood where stray cats and homeless people are exceedingly abundant. 

Count 4 times.... 4!  I have *almost* canned the hobo in the alley next to my house because of the racket he made searching fruitfully though my trash to find some treasured goods. I didn't have the heart to throw my makeshift hammer at his heavily greased hair-ed ass. 
Sure I have thought of buying a handgun. Haven't gotten around to actually getting it. They're so god damn expensive. And most people don't trust me with one. 
Don't know why. 
I am really a great shot. 

I have decided that since I don't have a home alarm system or a rough looking dog, and my can of mace is by no means a weapon of choice, that I will go right ahead and go about other ways to protect myself.
No, not by a condom, by a deterrent. Yes, I would like to impede any possible oncoming attacks. 
It is settled then.

I need a weapon to serve my combat against burglars and serial rapists that (would totally want to hump me) choose to bombard into my little home to take me hostage. 
Or take all my alcohol. 
Which would be the biggest tragedy of all. 
Sounds horrible, some stranger...drinking my wine. Sick. Just sick. 
There are so many choices for a young woman when it comes to weaponry. 

could do some fu man chu. Or was it Kung Fu? See all this black belting has got me all confused in the head. I'll just skip the ass whooping methods for now. I would hate to break a nail.  

I was thinking of having a shank made from a prisoner. (Because that would be total bad ass) I would have to come from one of the nearby prisons of course. Then the thought occurred to me... "What about the handle of the shank?" What if it was made from plastic from a broken fan or worse underwear bands?  What if these prisoners didn't even wash their hands while making it? Bacteria galore. Be gorged and have to have a tetanus shot while trying to protect myself. 
So that's out. 

Weapon: Throwing stick
Throwing stick is hardly a weapon. It's a stick. That you throw. No. 

Weapon: Blowgun - Like the kind used in Apocalypto. 
A blowgun sounds mighty fun to use. I just don't know any Amazonians that would help me (make one so I suppose that one is not a winner either. 

Machete? Would hate to make a big mess in my home.

Bayonet? I don't have a gun to put the bayonette on. So I guess that is a no too. 

Crossbow? I'm not coordinated nor fast enough.

Brass Knuckles? That means I would have to at some point touch this person. No thank you.  

A whip? Now this I can surely use. But then what if this person is really into kinky shit? It would be like their secret fantasy coming to fruition. No thank you to this too.  

I am running out of ideas. Which is horse shit. There has to be something I can protect myself with that won't make people look at me like I am a crazed lunatic.  

I am trying to come up on a glitter gun. Do they exist? Surely. It is a brilliant idea. There has to be one somewhere. 
Internet please help a sista out. 
Yes, imagine it. 
It won't be deadly but would definitely hurt like hell. 
It would be a flare gun but instead of flares it will have glitter bullets. Compacted hard glitter. Multicolored glitter. 

When I hear a window break or door being rammed in I can grab my glitter gun and patiently wait for the perpetrator to emerge from the dust left behind from the fallen door. As I put the gun up to his or her face I can squeal in delight at my magical glitter that is about to RAIN hard on their face, and my floor. 
When those eyes settle from the dust, I'll let it rip. BOOM. Glitter all in your eyes. They would have glitter burns all over. It would be so unexpected. 
They'll look like a unicorn just shat them out. 
There would be no escaping the glitterific party from happening. 
See when they run, I'll just tell the law to follow the glitter trail. 
Perfect weapon for someone like me. 

*Updated yet again, after that last update*
No one sells glitter guns. *Yet* 
Now to patent my idea and find some investors to help fund my little project. 

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